Church with a Wild Hooligan

Occasionally I read other blogs written by other moms and I marvel as they document their child sitting quietly on the floor playing with toys during church. Apparently I gave birth to a wild hooligan and I love him so much for that but hooligans are not compatible with church. It takes the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ for me to make it through a Sunday with my sanity intact. Sunday usually goes a little bit like this:

JAC wakes me up - Holy Good Gracious, I'm running late already? Can a kid go to church in his pajamas? Can I go to church in my pajamas? I rush around with hot rollers in my hair, lipstick in one hand trying to shove some pants on my toddler while he tries to escape. In the midst of this chaos I remember I am the official church greeter this morning. If I'm not there in five minutes people won't get greeted at the door. I make an executive decision. We'll be taking separate cars. Jess and JAC can come a little later.

Service starts. My little family is deposited on the back row. This is practically no mans land. This is where families with wild children sit in hopes of not disturbing the whole church. We sing. My child tries to pull all of the pencils out of the pew. I try unsuccessfully to hide them. While I try to hide pencils, JAC has escaped. He is climbing under the pew. I pull him out by his legs. Why do I where skirts? JAC won't sit still. He has learned to walk and makes a mad dash to the back of the church. I relent and take him to the lobby to play. Some other kid is back there and harasses JAC. Where is that kid's dad? I reluctantly take JAC back in the auditorium and give him a bottle. That should keep him quiet. He manages to dump the whole thing on himself. Thank goodness someone gave JAC new birthday clothes when we walked in the door. JAC gets a wardrobe change on the back pew. He seems pleased with himself. Exhausted I finally give up trying to contain this package of action and enthusiasm. I take him to the back and let him walk around. I give him my car keys and they're covered in baby drool.

During announcements the preacher comes to the back. He loves kids. God bless our preacher. He gives JAC little pieces of Listerine breath strips. JAC loves them. He is still for approximately two minutes. They do the altar call and JAC takes it to heart. He is attempting to run to the front. I catch him just in time. I have no idea what the sermon is about. It doesn't really matter because I am thankful - really really thankful when they say they sing the closing song.