When there is Nothing to Say

Today is Monday. I hate Monday with every inch of my being. It never seems to go well. It is always shadowed by loneliness. We had a little get together last night and it somehow didn't go quite as I had planned but at least our house is really clean. It is nice to wake up to a clean house.

JAC has really started to protest nap time. This is infinitely irritating to me. I hate tantrums. The doctor gave us a print out describing what to do in times of tantrums. I don't care what the paper says, all I want to do is scream and then imagine I am some place different. I hate always having to have self control.

He protested his nap time as usual. I didn't want to give in but I finally checked on him. It was another poo disaster. The kid took his diaper off. He had to have a bath. Everything had to be washed - the sheets, toys, blankets, crib bumber - all disgusting. I yelled at him. He was trying to climb out of the bath again. Now I feel guilty. I was thinking of taking the crib bumper off anyways. JAC has been attempting to use it to scale the crib.

After everything had been scrubbed and disinfected I put JAC back in the crib for his nap. He screamed like he was dying. I hated myself for being heartless. I finally brought him a bottle because I know he loves milk and I know I shouldn't have screamed at him.

Somewhere in the middle of this chaos a thought came to my mind. It made a nest in my brain and won't go away. I miss me. That was the thought I had. I miss me. I don't feel like myself.

I know this overly long post seems like a stream of complaint. This is not a bad day. It is a normal day. The weather is nice and when JAC wakes up from his nap we will go for a run. Now I'll make cookies. We don't need cookies but I find baking has a calming affect on me.