Gulp...

Our flight has been confirmed.  We leave tomorrow and I have spent the morning with my mind moving in a million directions and my body rendered inactive by indecision.  I need to repack the suitcase but which clothes should I reserve for the flight.  I'm always too cold on a plane but jeans seam uncomfortable and yoga pants too casual for such a big event. 

We need to sell our last vehicle and pick up our rental car but I have no idea when Jess will return from his morning meetings.  I have grown to hate those meetings and selfishly vie for every inch of Jess' attention.  JAC tells me he's hungry every minute of the day and I am reluctant to stuff more food in his direction because I suspect his is just bored - sick of the hotel.  I understand.  I have gained pound after pound this last week and I ignore my pants growing tighter.  I will deal with that in Kathmandu and find solace in warm fattening American food today.

I need to purchase plane entertainment and I wish my imagination ran deeper.  Instead I plan to stuff the portable DVD player full of annoying cartoons and pray JAC will sleep.  We are all exhausted, unable to sleep in this stuffy hotel.  The dog walks restless circles at the foot of the bed.  Jess flops back and forth fighting secret anxiety.  JAC finally surrenders at midnight sleeping horizontally across the bed like the sunset in a stale landscape painting.  Every night I take a Benedryl attempting to sleep but instead secluding myself in the bathroom with the door closed.  I read disturbing memoirs until I fell dizzy with sleep and consider sleeping on the bathroom floor desperate for isolation. 

I am finally wishing for our flight because it signifies the end of our restless in-between and the beginning of our new life.  I look at a catalog of western boots and wish for a pair.  We are moving to a wild region of the world and there is a deep category of my mind that is hungry for the challenge.  I have a human desire to conquer a world that is not conquerable and make it my own.