Today

Today I packed up all of my work suits in my suitcase. I'm taking them to my mom who started a new job today. As I squished them into the suitcase I gulped hard. Lately I have struggled with my identity and having a profoundly lost feeling. I am in some kind of in between stage of life. I am not pregnant. I packed those close up and gave them to a friend a few months ago. I am not young, hot and trendy. The twenty extra pounds I need to lose and the fact that I gave my cocktail dresses away a week ago confirm this. The Army uniforms are packed away and my favorite black dress is going on loan to a friend. Somehow I thought that I would embrace a new identity as a mom but after almost four months of motherhood I feel like I don't fit into this state of being either. I feel like I am treading water or directionless in a neighborhood of identical houses.

I am trying to remember that treading water builds strength and endurance for future endeavors and right now even though I want to scream I'm building lung capacity for something worth screaming about. This weekend my Algebra books came in. When JAC is asleep I'm teaching myself Algebra in hopes of taking CLEP tests for some of the college courses I need to complete as prerequisites to apply for a Physical Therapy program. I have a long road ahead of me but somehow having something to dream about keeps me breathing instead of sucking down water.

I'll end this post by saying how proud I am of my mom. She started her new job today and I know she's going to be great at it!